I like Aziz Ansari. Parks and Recreation was one of my all time favorite TV-shows. I have a photo and quote of Ansari on my office door. It reads: “If you believe that men and women have equal rights, and then someone asks if you’re a feminist. You have to say yes. Because that’s how words work. You can’t be like, “Yeah, I’m a doctor who primarily does diseases of the skin.” “ I love it. And yesterday I asked myself if I have to take the picture down. A recent story posted on babe describes a woman (called Grace—not her real name) and her experience of a date with Ansari last fall during which he repeatedly pressured her for sex and engaged in numerous coercive sexual behaviors. She left the evening feeling violated and shocked. As always happens when a woman recounts an experience of sexual violence from a beloved man (or frankly any man), people are claiming that her story is not true. I believe her story, in all the disturbing (and somewhat graphic) detail. And I also believe him. Ansari has responded to the story, saying in part: “It was true that everything did seem okay to me, so when I heard that it was not the case for her, I was surprised and concerned.” Now, I don’t know Ansari personally. Maybe he is a terrible guy. Maybe this incident is just one in a long pattern of sexual violence. Maybe all of his feminist talk is just a super savvy marketing scheme. Certainly some people will decide to believe all of these things based on this story alone. But, what if he is NOT a terrible person? If he truly means his feminist rhetoric? If he is genuinely committed to supporting women’s rights? Whatever the truth is about Ansari—which I will never really know—this is the fundamental question our culture needs to deal with. What if good men are committing sexual violence? I hope that the #MeToo campaign and the new Time’s Up fund continue to work to expose and disempower men who have abused their power to repeatedly sexually harass and assault women. We need that work to happen. We also need college campuses to stop turning a blind eye to repeat offenders. We need a criminal justice system that prosecutes sexual offenders. We need an intersectional anti-rape movement that awknowledges the reality that women of color and trans women face the highest rates of sexual violence. AND If we want this to become more than a moment; if we want a movement to end sexual violence, we need to expand our focus beyond exposing the worst of the worst. We need to deal with the reality that good men are committing sexual violence. In addition to challenging the truth of Grace’s story—many of the responses (including a ridiculous piece by Caitlin Flanagan for the Atlantic) have argued that the encounter wasn’t serious enough to warrant attention for a myriad of reasons. Most of the responses convey an angry tone, claiming that:
Sexual violence is not harmful because it is illegal. It is illegal because it is harmful. Jessica Valenti tweeted in response to the story: “A lot of men will read that post about Aziz Ansari and see an everyday, reasonable sexual interaction. But part of what women are saying right now is that what the culture considers ‘normal’ sexual encounters are not working for us, and oftentimes harmful.” This is not about ruining Ansari’s career. This story is an opportunity for us to have real conversations about the harm that is caused by rape culture. That people are hurt by the sexual scripts that make Ansari’s experience of the night and Grace’s experience of the night so fundamentally different. We have to address the sexual culture we have created in the United States. A rape culture.
But, I believe in the potential of men. I believe that there are lots of heterosexual men who want to do better, who want to have respectful, consensual interactions with women. Who are uncomfortable with rape culture. I believe that men can learn to recognize the sexual scripts they have adopted, can learn to seek affirmative and enthusiastic consent, can pay attention to a sexual partner’s verbal and non-verbal cues. I believe that if we stop teaching boys to participate in rape culture, we can raise men who don’t participate in rape culture. I won’t speak for Grace, but I don’t want to see Ansari punished. I don’t want his career to be ruined, and him to be vilified and silenced. I want him to learn from this experience and become a role model for other men. I want him to reflect on why and how his actions made another person feel uncomfortable and violated. I want him to hear that SO MANY other women (including this writer) have had similar experiences and that they are harmful. I want him to speak out about how he is going to learn to dismantle his internalized rape myths, address any personal issues that may make it hard for him to hear “no”, learn how to read his partner’s cues and look for affirmative consent. I want to post a quote of his on my door about how he is working to end his own participation in rape culture. And I’d really like it if other men took that journey, too. Britney G Brinkman, Ph.D. Comments are closed.
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AboutEMPOWERTAINMENT aims to take a critical look at media in regards to how gender and women/girls are portrayed. From popular articles, videos, and websites, to original submissions, we want to not only examine the media and its relation to gender, but help shift it. Archives
November 2017
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